I left my Sunday run feeling completely unstoppable. Top the world. High as a kite. Just call me Rocky! I couldn't wait to repeat my awesomeness bright and early on Wednesday! So when Amanda texted me at 7:00 wondering, "It's raining. We still on?" My immediate response was... duh! I explained to her in the ride over that running in the rain makes you a bad ass. And that's what we are: Bad Ass Runners.
Or at least we are on our way to being bad ass runners. The warm up was easy.
Increase speed to: Yellow zone. 15 mins. Yes, coach!
Mind over matter can only take you to your physical limitations. The problem is when there is a conflict within your body about where those limitations are set. So when your muscles and legs and mind say let's go... it means nothing when your lungs are refusing your body oxygen. My asthma is why I quit running years ago in the first place. And trying to overcome it now is... infuriating.
My head says, "I can do this!"
My body says, "I won't let you."
Speed up to: Yellow zone. I'm trying!
Fatigue I can deal with - I'm always tired. Sore muscles eventual warm and loosen. Shin splints can be stretched, strengthened, and iced. Blisters are battle scars. But there is another kind of pain. It's not weakness leaving my body; its weakness controlling my body. It turns cans into cannot's. Its devastating.
Speed up to: Yellow zone. I know, I know.... it hurts.
Forty degrees is my threshold. Below forty and my lungs.... suck. They stop functioning. They refuse to absorb or distribute the oxygen that my body so desperately needs. My doctor says I have the lung capacity of someone under 20 years of age and that lots of "athletes" struggle in the cold. His advice? Don't run in the cold.
Speed up to: Yellow zone. Seriously? Shut up.
To make any progress I have to stop. And use my inhaler. Which is a temporary band aid and never a solution. And I'm not sure how much you know about albuterol but here is the dilemma:
You're running so your heart rate is already elevated.
You need oxygen and your levels are down.
Imagine what happens when you pause for a shot of aerosol adrenalin?
You get a rush of not oxygen in your lungs and the drug speeds up your heart rate.
It's akin to coming out of that first drop on the Intimidator 305. Try not to pass out.
Speed up to: Yellow zone. Fuck you. Fuck my lungs. Fuck this run.
So in case you haven't noticed: I'm frustrated. And angry. And in a fight with my lungs. I know I'm better than this. I have been better than this. Why won't they let me succeed?
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