Before my Half I have 5 really long runs. Each an hour and a half. My goal is to get to 10 miles in that time. Today was attempt #3. It was my worst performance yet. I would have cried at mile 7 but that interferes with your breathing and would have been embarrassing in front of my running buddy. No, I'm serious. I felt the tears coming in my throat, started choking, and had to pull my shit together real quick.
This is how it went down:
This morning I was in Richmond for a Relay conference and determined to run. I woke up at 5:30 so that I could run my 1:25 before the conference got started. I should be proud of myself for accomplishing my furthest run to date: 9.54 miles in 1:31:11. But I'm too busy hating my body. Because it stands in my way and fucks with my head.
First - I forgot my inhaler. Turns out I still need to use that before I run. Welcome wheezing. I am accustomed to the discomfort of wheezing at this point but actually hearing yourself struggle to breath adds this terrible mental component that is hard to ignore or overcome. The only think you can do is drown yourself out with head phones but... that only helps so much. And when you have a running buddy... it can be considered rude.
Second - Still not 100% recovered from my cold. Welcome phlegm. It was dripping down my nose. Layering the inside of my lungs (the asthma assisted). Coating my mouth and throat. To the point that swallowing risked blocking my windpipe in this sticky mess and cutting off my air completely. It was like slim. And coughing only meant a breathe lost. I'm not a fan of suffocation.
So breathing is out... at least I have my legs. Right?
Third - Tendinitis is still around. And it has evolved from a numbness to an actual pain. I find myself against my will favoring my left leg and attempting to put less stress and weight on the right. The pain embodies the entirety of my big toe and the joint that connects it to my foot. It didn't really dissipate until..... mile 8? I pushed through. I wasn't stopping. I wasn't crying. I wanted to do both - it just wasn't an option.
So I push through. I finish. I hit a new longest distance and I'm so close to 10 miles! I'm exhausted the rest of the day. My toe was on ice all morning and again when I got home this evening. The ice felt heavenly and really helped but I'm wondering if I should be running on it at all. My Half is so close I can't afford not to! Then it gets worse.
Fourth - My knees. The last couple of long runs they have announced their presence briefly before moving on to important things. They don't hurt when they are stationary... but... try getting off the couch to grab a beer during the ridiculous Go Daddy Super Bowl commercials and.... HELLLLLOOOOOOOOOOO KNEES! They are painful to bend.
I miss my shin splints. I can't begin to describe my frustration and disappointment in myself. Doesn't my body understand how much I want this? How much I need this. Why is this happening?
I guess I will try to see the doctor tomorrow. This will be trip #3 since the start of this journey. I have 2 remaining opportunities to hit 10 miles in 1:30:00.
Maybe I need to adjust my goals. Maybe I need to show myself more compassion. Maybe I need to up the ante and start lifting in addition to running. It is hard to say because this a personal journey. It's like an experiment without a control. Maybe I need to take up praying.
Dear Kate-
ReplyDeleteYou need to let yourself off the hook a little. Running is about 99% mental and you pushed through everything inside (and outside) of you that was telling you to stop. You didn't make excuses, you didn't cry, you even laughed occasionally at your running buddie's stories. Your body will take time to adjust and it WILL adjust, I promise!
Running 10 miles in 1:30 doesn't need to be your goal. How about just running 10 miles? As a beginner, you don't need to worry about how fast you are going, just that you are going at all. How many other people did you talk to today that ran 10 miles before work? See where I am going? You are doing things that the average being doesn't even consider. Guess what? That makes you extraordinary. Be proud of that.
Oh and by the way, your running buddy thought you did phenomenal and I just know you are going to rock that half marathon. Take a break woman. Stay off the road and jump on the bike or elliptical if your injuries are getting worse and not better. Your body will thank you and you WILL perform better at your half if you aren't torn to shreds.
Keep me posted on your progress and please, do NOT give up. The first step across that finish line is one of the greatest feelings I know. You will shine.